I STILL choose to stay

Saying that we choose to stay on this earth is not meant to seem flippant or arrogant. We're simply trying to remember the positives of life and hopefully bring light to some one especially effected by this dark time. You may think that people who have posted a "choose to stay" commitment haven't felt the depth of pain that depression brings, but what do we know?

That outstandingly happy boy on the football team, who seems to have an unlimited amount of friends might be where you are, where anyone is. Thinking about life without them here.

When you see him, you see no problems. Which only intensify your own. But what you don't know is one night he broke down and told his sister about the extent of his depression, not far from taking his life.

We. Don't. Know.

It's common to say we shouldn't post about happiness because others are sad. But then where's the joy at all if we are not striving, every day, to find it somewhere in our lives.

We are in charge of our fate. In the end, no amount of work the student body, administrators, or any amount of loved ones can make a decision for you.

So all I'm asking is try. Try to think of one thing worth staying for because I believe that if our Knights in heaven could speak to us know, they would remind us that life is precious. No matter how small there are things to look forward to, things to remember when you're sight is crowded with smoke.

Let's all try to come together now and always instead of tearing the school, faculty, and people apart. Spread joy, hope, and remind as many as possible, there are reasons to live.

I choose to stay.

I choose to stay because  there's so much to do. So many books to read. So many songs to find. So many people to meet. So many different flavors of ice cream to try. So many roads to drive. So many movies to cuddle during. So many laughs with future children. So many outfits I get to pick out. So many ways I can do my hair. So many Saturday afternoons where the world stands still for a minute. So many pairs of shoes to try on. So many blankets to feel. So many stolen laughs during school with a friend. So many Sunday nights to contemplate where I'm going in life. So many recipes to actually try and succeed. So many tests I can learn from. So many people that know so much more than me. They've made it this far, and so I choose to now.

No matter how hard life gets, and it will get hard, this is my way of reminding me that I already promised my self that I'm staying. You've made if this far, and you're still young. There's still so many things to experience, this is not the end.

I am loved. You are loved. We are loved. We don't need sticky notes on every locker to remind us. We don't need cliché pieces of paper passed around, we need to act. Don't be a pile of words, show the people you know that you care. And if you don't care, find something to care about. Life can't be enjoyed when apathy is involved.

Chose to stay now, and don't let your decision change the minute you're diploma is handed to you.

Over-reacting

He said hi today. After what felt like a year of being ignored, he finally acknowledged my existence again. I don't know whether to feel excited or completely upset. I mean maybe he's just trying to be nice but he can't believe I would want to be his friend again after months of getting used to not talking.

I don't know, I'm probably just over-reacting. I tend to do that a lot. Everyone does I guess. Over-reacting about everything from a simple hello to getting a boys number, but knowing it's no big deal. I just need to chill, but so does everyone else.

Today

"What would I do without them??"

I know what you would do. You would miss them every day. You would be reminded of the memories constantly. It would feel like you got the wind knocked out of you every time you see them. And you'd cry. A lot.

I would know, cause I've done it.

Then after months of all of the above, you would be forgotten. Life would go on. You would forget about them long enough to enjoy yourself with others. You will occaisonally recall some of the best times together, or some of your favorite conversations. Just because it's in the past, doesn't mean it wasn't a part of your life. A big part.  But some things that can't be changed need to be forgotten.

I would know, cause that's what I'm doing now.

"Name Them"

Today as I complained to my mom about school, I recounted to her how during lunch today at school, I got milk poured on my head. He wasn't trying to be mean, but it was still embarrassing. Felt like I was in the middle of a cheesy movie. As I despaired over the feeling of being a loser, she told me to write down all of my friends names. I decided to write down something they've done for me instead of listing names because after all, it's what a person does that defines them, not their name.

He always takes my side of the story. She always listens to anything I have to say. He is always checking up on how I am doing. She sticks with me even when we're growing apart. He is always the first person to comfort me. She knows how to make me smile at any time. He makes me feel important. She values my opinion. He genuinely cares about me. She appreciates my personality.

Although these are set to specific people in my mind, they could fit with so many people I know. So that's just what I need to remember. When I feel alone, I've got so many people who care, that I know I could call at any moment. Isn't that a nice thought? No, they're not perfect, none of us are. But we have the ability to love and appreciate people, and I think that's the loveliest thing about life.

Super Hero

Today in a class I was asked "what super power do you want?" I answered with invisibility, because why not actually be invisible when you already feel that way? But let me tell you, being invisible gets old, fast. You want someone, anyone, to stop you in the hall and talk about anything. Or call you on a Friday night when you're not doing anything, cause you're just easily forgotten.

The sad thing is there's probably a million other people that feel the same way, but what am I doing to help them? Nothing. So I've changed my super power from being self-centered and invisible, to being able to see. See when someone feels as horrible as I do, and actually do something about it. See when someone's alone and wants someone, anyone, to say hello.  Focusing on me gets me no where, except for down.

Invisibility can wait until I'm done with high school and all I will need to focus on are my green Washington forests and countlessly growing bookshelves. Then I can be invisible.